Pathetic

I'm not trying to blame him for making me feel as though I was enough.

I'm just so confused at myself for being so dumb and for everything I did. From my last case, I've promised myself that I wouldn't let a guy become my whole world again but look now. I don't understand how I got attached, though.

look, I know what we had is over, but its just so hard.

It's hard when I really get to know this person; his personality, his secrets, his fears, his fave things, what he loves, what he hates- literally everything and then I have to go back to being strangers even when I know anything about him.

I mean, how am I supposed to be fine? most of the love I had in the world went to him. I gave all of me.

he was my home. He holds all my memories. All of them, from times when I was too proud to listen, to times when I was too scared to speak. I've felt my happiest and saddest with him.

he was all my nights and days, regardless, he is my home. he is the hands that carved me.

can you even imagine how pathetic it makes me feel?

To The Friend Who Heal My Broken Heart

Thank you for listening to me talk about it over and over again and wiping off my tears.
Thank you for telling me that I'm special, that I deserve more, that I am special, that I am loved even if I'm shattered into a million pieces.
Thank you for picking up my pieces when I can't find them, thank you for putting me back together when I am all over the place.
Thank you for reminding me that even though a lot of people will break my heart, you never will.
Thank you for giving the reassurance I keep looking for in everyone else.
Thank you for being my therapist, thank you for guiding me, thank you for healing me and asking for nothing in return.
You should know that without you, I wouldn't have made it, I wouldn't have seen another day, I wouldn't have seen the light.
Without you, I Would've stayed broken and maybe even damaged.
Without you, I wouldn't have rebuilt myself.
Thank you for being there. thank you for being present. thank you for being the ones who stay in a world where everyone leaves.
Thank you for loving me loudly and silently.
Thank you for trying to fix me even when you're broken.
Thank you for showing me that some hearts will always love me, that love doesn't always have to leave me broken and that some hearts will never give up on me.
Thank you for embodying the kind of love I am looking for and reminding me to keep my standards high and my head higher.
Thank you for being my defibrillators. The ones who bring me back to life. The ones who teach me how to love again.

Dedicated to my darling sisters in life.
Thank you for being my human diary.

Febrina Gita Grahita
Dini Sulfiani

Bisakah aku menjadi versimu?

Bagian terbaik ketika kamu memilih berhenti yaitu memberikan mu waktu untuk berfikir. berfikir apakah ada yang salah pad alangkahmu yang sebelumnya. 

terkadang, tertinggal dibelakang bukan hal yang memalukan, semua ada saaatnya.

pilihanku adalah pilihanku, pilihanmu adalah pilihanmu.

aku mungkin sudah begitu capek menerka

aku suda muak menunggu

aku lelah terus-terusan menjadi pilihan.

ada saatnya aku ingin menjadi satu-satunya versi kamu, versi yang kamu inginkan.

versi yang berusaha kamu dapatkan walaupun sekitarmu mengatakan tidak.

karena kamu yakin aku dapat merubah mu menjadi lebih baik.

aku harap aku versi kamu

Apakah aku boleh memanggil mu milikku?

aku sangat ingin kamu memilikiku
disaat yang aku miliki cuman kamu

akankah kamu memelukku
saat hal yang paling dekat dariku menjauh

apakah boleh kamu hanya memandangku
saat semua tak lagi melihatku

aku hanya ingin kamu
memilikiku, memelukku, memandangku
disaat semua tak lagi berada dalam inginku.

begini saja, apakah boleh aku memanggil mu milikku?
kalau sekedar bertanya apa kabarmu saja membuatku cukup gugup

apakah boleh aku memanggilmu miliku?
bahkan saat kamu menyapaku dengan senyum itu, jujur saja aku merona.

tak bisakah aku memanggilmu milikku?
disaat mata mu menyambut kehadiranku, dengan penuh bahagia.

cukupkah jika aku memanggilmu milikku,

walaupun aku hanya memilikimu dalam diam.

salahkah jika aku memanggilmu miliku
disaat semua berkata, lupakan saja.

benar saja, aku lupa kalau kamu bahkan tak melihatku. bodoh.



Untuk sahabatku Febrina Gita Grahita,
Terinspirasi dari ceritanya. 
aku harap, dia melihatmu.

Kamu- Nya

dia ajak aku menari

seperti tak ada yang menanti

cukup tergagap

dalam langkah ragu


mengikuti geraknya

bukan kakiku

tapi, hatiku.


tap tap tap

seirama dalam waktu

tap tap tap

satu bersama nada


kaku,

menengadah melihat mata itu

kelu,

mempertanyakan pilu.


terdiam,

seakan bersama elegi aku menyatu

dalam resonansi rindu

aku bersamamu.

Sajak bijak

terkesan tak perduli namun bertahan

terlihat tak mengerti tapi meyakinkan

terdiam, rasa tertahan.

menjejak langkah,

namun ragu.

tak tau pasti mengapa kau berarti.

Memanggil

Memaksa untuk diindahkan

Seakan gersang yang menyelimuti

Hanya kamuflase

Indah penuh nyata dalam isyarat mati.

Karena menikmati senja

Lalu membuat tubuhmu bergoyang

Mengikuti sapaan ilalang

Adalah kisah roman yang tak kamu mengerti kecuali aku

Sendiri

Usang penuh cerita

Aku kira semua usai

Sampai pada titik tak ada lagi koma

Lelah aku mencari jawab

Memuaskan derita

Maka biar saja dunia bertanya

Biar semua memasang mata, aku tak perduli.

aku ingin sendiri